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Vancouver Island, Canada
In the best possible scenario that could be generated by the AI simulation we’re all living in these days, all the assets of Alex Jones’s conspiracy theory and disinformation factory InfoWars and its parent company “Free Speech Systems” have been purchased by the satirical website The Onion in a bankruptcy auction.
The proceeds of the auction, held Wednesday, will go toward the $1.5 billion judgment in two lawsuits against Jones, in Connecticut and Texas, for defaming the families of the children and teachers murdered at Sandy Hook Elementary School in 2012. For years, Jones claimed the mass shooting was fake and the families all “crisis actors” in a conspiracy to take away all of America’s precious, precious guns. Idiots who believed the lies subjected the families to endless harassment and threats, forcing some to move from their homes and go into hiding.
In an especially sweet bit of justice, the lawyers for the Sandy Hook families in the Connecticut case worked with The Onion in preparing its successful bid. The purchase price was not disclosed. The New York Times reports that The Onion plans to shutter the InfoWars site and bring it back online in January
as a parody of itself, mocking “weird internet personalities” like Mr. Jones who traffic in misinformation and health supplements, Ben Collins, the chief executive of The Onion’s parent company, Global Tetrahedron, said in an interview. […]
“We thought this would be a hilarious joke,” Mr. Collins said. “This is going to be our answer to this no-guardrails world where there are no gatekeepers and everything’s kind of insane.”
God (or the Simulation’s version of God) bless you, Ben Collins.
The relaunched Onion-InfoWars will have as its sole “advertiser” the gun control nonprofit Everytown for Gun Safety, which was founded by families of Sandy Hook victims. Everytown President John Feinblatt said in a statement that he hopes the arrangement will “reach new audiences ready to hold the gun industry accountable for contributing to our nation’s gun violence epidemic.”
The Onion has long been an outlet for the frustration Americans feel about our insane politics of guns, where the National Rifle Association can seemingly kill even the most timid efforts to prevent the obscene amount of blood shed on the altar of the Second Amendment. That’s what led The Onion in 2014 to create its painfully evergreen headline “'No Way to Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens,” which was first published in response to the Isla Vista killings, in which a creepy incel murdered six people and wounded 14 others. The headline has been published entirely too often since, culminating in The Onion filling its entire front page with reprints of all 21 previous iterations the day after the Robb Elementary massacre in Uvalde, Texas, in May 2022.
So yes, this is a good thing. It’s especially relevant because Collins, who became Onion CEO in April, had up to then been an NBC News reporter focusing on online disinformation and rightwing conspiracy theories, a post where he frequently reported on Jones. Heck, you could say he was almost an InfoWars intern, albeit without being so close to the product that it could infect him.
Alex Jones got on video this morning and whined about how cruel this was, and that the site would be shut down “even without a court order,” which isn’t necessary because the whole goddamned auction was the result of the bankruptcy case that Jones sought to avoid paying his victims. It’s like complaining that I flushed my toilet this morning without an addendum to my lease agreement. Very much like that.
In a beautiful fake editorial today, the fictional “publisher” of The Onion, “Bryce P. Tetraeder,” offered this explanation of why InfoWars fits perfectly into the Onion’s “family”:
Founded in 1999 on the heels of the Satanic “panic” and growing steadily ever since, InfoWars has distinguished itself as an invaluable tool for brainwashing and controlling the masses. With a shrewd mix of delusional paranoia and dubious anti-aging nutrition hacks, they strive to make life both scarier and longer for everyone, a commendable goal. They are a true unicorn, capable of simultaneously inspiring public support for billionaires and stoking outrage at an inept federal state that can assassinate JFK but can’t even put a man on the Moon.
Through it all, InfoWars has shown an unswerving commitment to manufacturing anger and radicalizing the most vulnerable members of society—values that resonate deeply with all of us at Global Tetrahedron.
The editorial dismissed the previous owner of InfoWars as “a forgettable man with an already-forgotten name” and noted that Jones’s vitamin business would not continue under the new regime (true) because such miraculous longevity and virility pills were too good to waste on the masses, and will instead be boiled down into “a single candy bar–sized omnivitamin that one executive (I will not name names) may eat in order to increase his power and perhaps become immortal” (truth undetermined).
It is a great day for satire, capped by Collins acknowledging on Bluesky that yes indeed, real media organizations have contacted The Onion requesting interviews with the imaginary Bryce Tetraeder, who Collins explained was unavailable because he’s “on his superyacht on his way to do a quality control check at one of 43,000 global puppy mills.”
We can now only look forward to Republicans demanding an audit of Tetraeder for his unconstitutional suppression of Jones’s First Amendment rights, not to mention The Onion’s support of Planned Parenthood’s luxurious Abortionplex.
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It is a great day for satire, capped by Collins acknowledging on Bluesky that yes indeed, real media organizations have contacted The Onion requesting interviews with the imaginary Bryce Tetraeder, who Collins explained was unavailable because he’s “on his superyacht on his way to do a quality control check at one of 43,000 global puppy mills.”
Washington, DC
The satirical news publication The Onion won the bidding for Alex Jones's Infowars at a bankruptcy auction, backed by families of Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting victims whom Jones owes more than $1 billion US in defamation judgments for calling the massacre a hoax, the families announced Thursday.
Something I did not expect but probably the best possible outcome.
Vancouver Island, Canada
Finally, some good news
The post The Onion Bought InfoWars, Which Rules appeared first on Aftermath.
Chicago, IL
Tired of apple picking and morally opposed to pumpkin patches? Welcome to our cranberry bog.
Founded in 1616 and then founded again in 2017, Giving Thanks Cranberry Bog is a family-owned and -operated bog. Located in the Midwest region of the Northeast, our bog offers an array of beloved bog-based activities for friends, bachelorette parties, and children of divorce.
Cranberry collection takes place daily from sunrise to sundown. But after 4 p.m., the bog is adults only, as the cranberries start to ferment. Thursday is Ladies’ Night. Sunday mornings, we’re closed to dredge the bog.
You must be vaccinated against hepatitis and leptospirosis. The rats use the bog as their bathroom. The city forced us to deal with our large predator problem, but we’re left with a surplus of rats. You want one?
No Band-Aids. No recent wounds or diarrhea. No history of broken bones. (Like dolphins, cranberries are sensitive to that sort of thing.) No visible moles. That has nothing to do with health codes; we just don’t like how they look.
Children must be supervised at all times, especially in the outer reaches of the bog, where the fog rolls in and the crawdads scream their lamentations. We’ve gotten reports of toddlers being swapped out for changelings on the marshy banks. We’d like to avoid another lawsuit.
The bog is approximately two to three feet deep at peak flood levels, except for the “bottomless pockets” that periodically open. It’s a totally natural occurrence in bogs: the sediments of the murky depths settle in ways that create temporary, perilous tunnels to the unknown. Watch your step.
Cash only. Admission is $127.50 for adults and $40 per child. Each ticket includes a custom T-shirt, a standard bog bucket for the cranberry collection, a canned vodka cran (imported), and for the kids, a homegrown taxidermied bog rat.
One bog bucket per customer. We will be checking your pockets to make sure you’re not smuggling out cranberries. We lose approximately three dollars per week to cranberry theft. It adds up.
Wear clothes you don’t mind getting destroyed. We recommend a hazmat suit, but a flannel and cargos will also do.
This isn’t cutesy little apple picking with charming paper bags and Instagram photos. This is cranberry bogging. It’s not for the weak or the weak-minded. If your name is Jennifer, Jessica, or Olivia, it’s better you don’t come.
No flash photography in the bog. It startles the bats. And we need the bats to eat the spiders.
Before entry, all visitors must complete a liability waiver, absolving us of any responsibility in the event of “accidental death by suction into bottomless bog pocket, infected bite from bog rat (or bat), or cranberry allergy.”
It’s like Deadliest Catch, but instead of giant crabs, it’s cranberries.
Not all who go return.
Don’t be scared. Get in the bog.
Glowing reviews of Giving Thanks Cranberry Bog include: “Great bog,” “Kids are speaking to me again after bog trip!” and “I think something followed me back from the bog. I keep seeing a faceless man reflected in mirrors and windows. I don’t think he wishes me harm, but I want him to return to the bog.”
Don’t play any songs by The Cranberries while in the bog. The delicate ecosystem is not compatible with alt-rock jangle pop post-punk.
Our cranberry bog will not fix your UTI. It will give you tetanus.
Don’t forget to rate us on Tripadvisor. We’re a “super fun” superfund site. Support your local bog.
Washington, DC
Today we celebrate a new addition to the Global Tetrahedron LLC family of brands. And let me say, I really do see it as a family. Much like family members, our brands are abstract nodes of wealth, interchangeable assets for their patriarch to absorb and discard according to the opaque whims of the market. And just like family members, our brands regard one another with mutual suspicion and malice.
All told, the decision to acquire InfoWars was an easy one for the Global Tetrahedron executive board.
Founded in 1999 on the heels of the Satanic “panic” and growing steadily ever since, InfoWars has distinguished itself as an invaluable tool for brainwashing and controlling the masses. With a shrewd mix of delusional paranoia and dubious anti-aging nutrition hacks, they strive to make life both scarier and longer for everyone, a commendable goal. They are a true unicorn, capable of simultaneously inspiring public support for billionaires and stoking outrage at an inept federal state that can assassinate JFK but can’t even put a man on the Moon.
Through it all, InfoWars has shown an unswerving commitment to manufacturing anger and radicalizing the most vulnerable members of society—values that resonate deeply with all of us at Global Tetrahedron.
No price would be too high for such a cornucopia of malleable assets and minds. And yet, in a stroke of good fortune, a formidable special interest group has outwitted the hapless owner of InfoWars (a forgettable man with an already-forgotten name) and forced him to sell it at a steep bargain: less than one trillion dollars.
Make no mistake: This is a coup for our company and a well-deserved victory for multinational elites the world over.
What’s next for InfoWars remains a live issue. The excess funds initially allocated for the purchase will be reinvested into our philanthropic efforts that include business school scholarships for promising cult leaders, a charity that donates elections to at-risk third world dictators, and a new pro bono program pairing orphans with stable factory jobs at no cost to the factories.
As for the vitamins and supplements, we are halting their sale immediately. Utilitarian logic dictates that if we can extend even one CEO’s life by 10 minutes, diluting these miracle elixirs for public consumption is an unethical waste. Instead, we plan to collect the entire stock of the InfoWars warehouses into a large vat and boil the contents down into a single candy bar–sized omnivitamin that one executive (I will not name names) may eat in order to increase his power and perhaps become immortal.
All will be revealed in due time. For now, let’s enjoy this win and toast to the continued consolidation of power and capital.
Infinite Growth Forever,
Bryce P. Tetraeder, Global Tetrahedron CEO
The Onion Is Back In Print. Get The Paper. Become A Member.
The post Here’s Why I Decided To Buy ‘InfoWars’ appeared first on The Onion.
Man, if this wasn't satire it would be the best news ever.
EDIT: It's apparently Not A Joke. Well, it is a joke, but it's a "funny because it's real" joke.
EDIT: It's apparently Not A Joke. Well, it is a joke, but it's a "funny because it's real" joke.
Nashville, Tennessee
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